Pregnant by a Punter?

[English Kate]

My ex was never a wkend Dad, he was based in Notts soon after we split up and I used to drive our son up there once a month and pick him up again after 2 days, then when he was 7 he got posted abroad and never came back. He sees him roughly 3 to 4 days per 18 months or when he could be bothered. Yes he did pay some maintenance, but that was because he forced me to go to the CSA and I got awarded just over the threshold which meant I was not entitled to any housing benefit or any other benefits for that matter and I was in my 2nd year of a degree. He told me to stop my degree and get a job, I refused and kept up the mortgage by working 2 jobs while looking after my son and doing uni full time. I lived on pro plus, but they were still the happiest years of my life. I couldn't have managed without my Mum's support, who picked him up from school for me, gave him his dinner and had him one night a week so I could work.

My ex has always put himself and his needs first and then twists things to suit himself when things aren't going his way. He is the only man who can make me cry (still) after 15 years of seperation and that is because he is the only man who can and often does hurt my son and that kills me. Another reason why I would not have another child with a man unless I was 100% sure we could survive together and be happy.

With what you have said here Kate, I imagine it does underline why so many ladies are prepared to sever all links with an ex partner for the sake of the child(ren) to reduce the mental torture that can be inflicted. It used to pain me how my ex wife used to blame me for all sorts of things without giving the full story - why didnt she? Because it would have painted her in a different light.
Still we live and learn.
At least Kate, your son knows who brought him up, and probably understands more of what you have been through to bring him up than you perhaps realise or he shows.

Unfortunately he has learnt the hard way why I had to leave his Dad. I never spoke ill of him until perhaps he became a teenager and it became harder and harder to explain why he was doing the things he did (his Dad that is). With pure frustration and anger the odd thing would slip out, but our son was very loyal to his Dad when he was younger and to have said anything against him would have compromised that and I always wanted my son to have a good relationship with his Dad.

They are similar in some ways and that is the other thing. You don't have to be an every day influence on your children to be similar in nature, as that is in the genes. Thankfully he is more balanced though and has a good set of friends and is good to his gfs, so he doesn't treat them in the same way his Dad treated me and that is a good thing.

I'm not sure my son has any idea what I have gone through to bring him up the best I can, but that is the way I want it. Children should not have to worry about how the food get's on their plate or how they got the clothes on their back. You're only a child once and I wanted him to have his childhood. Now the hard part is looking after an adult. Totally new territory for me.